BREAKING NEWS! THIS JUST IN … SANTA CLAUS REALLY IS COMING TO TOWN TONIGHT, ACCORDING TO A NORTH POLE PRESS RELEASE
Ed. note: Correspondent Jack Cline contributed this cheeky Christmas “news piece” with the assistance of AI, from the Christmas classic song”Santa Claus Coming to Town.” It’s sort of a singing telegram.
SEE LINK TO TRACK HIS TRIP AT BOTTOM OF STORY
JACK CLINE, Special to MuskokaTODAY.com
NORTH POLE — In a press conference that lasted approximately 37 seconds and featured three reindeer chewing loudly in the background, Santa Claus confirmed today that he is, in fact, coming to town. Again.
Global authorities are urging citizens to remain calm despite reports that the jolly figure has been “making a list” and “checking it twice,” a process that experts say raises significant privacy concerns.
Officials Warn: He Sees You When You’re Sleeping
Eyewitnesses claim Santa has been monitoring the population with what one analyst described as “a surveillance program that makes social media algorithms look like a rotary phone.”
“He knows when you’re awake,” said Dr. Holly Spruce, a behavioural scientist. “We don’t know how he knows. We don’t want to know how he knows. But he knows.”
Naughty List Scandal Rocks the Elven Community
Leaked documents from inside the workshop reveal that the Naughty List has reached a record length this year, with several high‑profile names included.
An anonymous elf whistleblower, known only as Peppermint, stated:
“Look, the criteria are vague. One kid sneezed on a gingerbread house and got flagged. It’s chaos.”
The Nice List, meanwhile, is reportedly “under review” after a clerical error placed a housecat, three snowmen, and a malfunctioning Roomba in the top ten.
Reindeer Union Negotiates New Contract
The Reindeer Aviation Guild (RAG) announced a tentative agreement with Santa after months of tense negotiations.
Key wins include:
- Mandatory carrot breaks
- Anti‑fog technology for Rudolph’s nose
- A strict “no rooftop landing before 11 p.m.” policy
Union leader Blitzen commented, “We’re athletes, not lawn ornaments.”
Citizens Advised to Prepare
Local governments recommend the following precautions:
- Leave out cookies as a diplomatic gesture
- Secure chimneys to prevent unexpected entry
- Avoid pouting, crying, or any behavior that could be interpreted as “naughty”
Authorities stress that Santa’s visit is generally peaceful, though last year’s incident involving a toppled Christmas tree and a startled cat remains under investigation.
Conclusion
Despite the confusion, the North Pole assures the public that Santa’s annual operation will proceed as scheduled.
“He’s coming to town,” officials reiterated. “Whether you’re ready or not.”
Track Santa’s trip tonight here via NORAD’s annual radar: https://www.noradsanta.org/en/map
