LAZY, CRAZY DAYS OF OLD TIMERS, AND ENJOYING EVERY DAY OF THEM

RUSTY DRAPER | Contributing columnist

Married for 53 years and long retired, life changes. What use to be the expected norm no longer exists … and I rather like the new normal.

For instance, I have a comfortable lazy boy chair that my wife thinks I like too much. I’ll admit that I do spend a lot of time in it, but I feel that they call it a Lazy Boy chair for a reason. It’s for lazy boys like me.

Being called lazy when you’re young and healthy is one of life’s greatest derogatory demotions. It degrades your character and people accuse you of being as useless as a greased-down shovel handle.

But in my books, when you’re old and feeble of mind like me, being lazy is a much desired promotion. You’ve worked hard all your life. You got up early every morning and went to work, raised a family, bought a house. And then, after 50 years, the government shows us just how much they truly love we Oldtimers.

They show their deep love for us by monthly sending us what they call an Old Age Pension cheque. I chuckle to myself whenever I hear that. I call it “the love offering” from the government.

Their gift to us is so sweet (the gift that we paid for), sounds so loving and generous. It’s not. It’s like calling a beggar, a roadside entrepreneur. I use up that Love Money in gassing up my car ($1.50 litre). Oh how appreciative we grey-haired “old people” are driving to the post office to receive the moo-la from our elected in Ottawa.

This old age pension check is about 25 years outdated. In my way of thinking, politicians get paid far too much, and are rewarded with an overabundance of benefits.

Procrastination is another benefit of retirement. Who cares if you put something off to another day? When that day arrives, and you still don’t feel like doing it, you simply select yet another day.

The beauty of this is as follows: If you continue procrastinating, people will sooner or later forget what they asked of you to do in the first place.

You see, young people consider we old fogies are those who have lost their marbles. But to you of a much younger breed, there’s a whole lot more marbles shaking in our bag than you think. We know how to use procrastination to our advantage.

There’s another wonderful thing about being on the sliding side of life. You can get away with many things that a younger generation would never attempt. They would fear a tongue lashing from their elders, or a trip to the wood shed. You see, young people don’t even understand what a trip to the wood shed means.

For a good number of years there have been about eight to 10 friends who gather once a month to eat at one of our fine restaurants. After a succulent meal we return to one of our homes for dessert. The example I’ll use just happened recently.

We decided on a place of fine food that is praised by many, including me, but this particular night it didn’t rank too high on my chart.

When the waiter came to take my order, I said, “tonight I’ll have your special, ‘Beaver Tail on a baked bun.’” Anything else sir? I said “yes please, I’ll have a Green Tea with the bag left in, plus a fly swatter a la carte.”

Well, did I ever get the look. But the waiter realizing that I was of senior years politely said, “Of course sir, coming in a moment.”

I think the Fly Swatter a la carte comment saved the day for me. The waiter was a true gentleman, and came with an apology concerning the flies.

My point is this: If I were 25 years younger I don’t believe a waiter would have been quite as gracious. But I think that on that night I eventually gained a forever friend.

In this fine, fancy, facility on the night I’m referring to, the flies were horrible.

When the waiter brought me my requested weapon of mass destruction in the form of a swatter, it made my fellow friends nervous. When my aim with the fly swatter was accurate, my dear friends screeched in disgust claiming that the dead flock of filthy flies were landing in their meal.

One would think that their beaver tail on a baked bun with a sprinkling of dead flies would complement the succulence of the evening meal.

Another benefit of old age is that you get some unplanned exercise. Everyone, (?) it seems, asks me how do I keep my finely fit flabby body in such good shape. Well, here’s the secret friends. While the rest of the world is sound asleep, I get into my walking exercise routine. Unless you are my age, you’ll have no understanding of this, so I’ll give it to you in a more gentler manner.

Every two hours or so, we seniors have the need, and I mean the need, to make our bladder gladder. Are you still in the dark? OK, I explain it this way. Remember as a kid you used to sing to yourself: “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.” Well at my age the tune is the same, but the words are somewhat different.

So now, I’ll ask all of you Old Timers to please stand with me and sing in harmony our theme song.

“Tinkle, tinkle little star, la, la, la etc.”

See? Getting old isn’t all that bad.